(11) WE SHOULD STOP THIS BRIDGE THING HERE AND NOW.

8-1-73

J   How’s my darling?

B  I hurt my arm down in the basement.  I have some new cuts and bruises.  I broke one of our nice little round glasses out on the terrace and dropped the coke bottle on my ankle.

J   All this today?

HOSTESS, CONNIE, SALLY AND JEAN 1973
I IMAGINED MY TOWERING HAIR-DO WAS THE GREATEST

B   Yes, with the girls coming.

J    How many were here?  Three? 

B   Connie and Sally and Jeannie.

J   Sally Brewer.  And I know who Connie is.  Jeannie.  I don’t know Jeannie.

B   Jean Sears.  She’s the one whose eighteen-month-old granddaughter swears in the super-market. I don’t think you’ve met her.  You’ve seen that picture of the four of us..  And you don’t know Connie, either.

J   I know who you mean.  Her name is Barnard, her husband’s name is Jack, and I know all about the both of them.  Especially the both of hers. 

B   Ah, you have met Connie.  Are you looking for a glass?  [No.]  You just like looking into cupboards? 

J    Don’t be a wise guy.  Here’s a good one. 

B   That Maude episode I called you about last night?  I think you saw it sometime when I was at a meeting.

J    That’s right, I did..  But I didn’t want to spoil the fact that you would rather I hadn’t.

B   I loved the whole idea of his saying to Maude, “If I’m good enough to live with, I’m good enough to marry.”  She says, “If I’m good enough to marry, I’m good enough to live with.” 
J   “Don’t browbeat me.” 
B    Right.  She says, “I love you, don’t browbeat me.”  

J    What’s that noise outside?

B   Bobby’s putting the kayak in the garage.  He borrowed it to go fishing on the pond.  He came up afterward and said, "Would you ask your husband if we could rent it?  We think this is a lot of fun."  I said my husband won’t even rent our condominium down in Fort Lauderdale.  The money wouldn’t mean that much to him, but maybe I could let you use it once in a while, if you were careful.  

     Oh!  That's your suitcase over there, Jack.  The airline finally delivered it.

J   Hey, look, I put shoetrees in my shoes.  That was smart, wasn’t it? 
B  Have I seen those?  They look familiar. 
J   I wore them once to that dance, your sex dance.  You laugh.  How else could I say it? 

B   You could say Community Sex Information dance.

J   That would take too long.   Here’s my shirt.  I bought this as a kid at the Y.  It’s all faded, but I like it.   

B  Did I ever tell you about Martha Franklin, who lived next door to us at the Vineyard?  [No.]  From the time she was a little girl, she always thought the island was hers because her folks would say, “Let’s go over to Martha’s Vineyard.”

J   I’d have thought the same thing if my name was Martha. 
B  Thank goodness it isn’t. 
J   Are we going to Migis Lodge again? 
B  Yes, that’s in October.  
J   Is it definite?  It is?  Well, it won’t be like it was last time, Barb.

B   Yes, it will.  Fifty-fifty.  [Why?]  Because I’m a liberated woman.

J    Why don’t we make it like a fella’s going with a girl and takes her away.  I can’t steal away with Barb when she pays half.

B   I wouldn’t enjoy it any other way.  I just wouldn’t be comfortable.

J    Well, that doesn’t make me feel too good, either.  It makes me feel like—

B   When things cost too much, I don’t enjoy them.  If we do things fifty-fifty, it’s not bad for either of us.  It’s like a potluck supper.  Everybody contributes something, so nobody gets stuck with the whole cost.

J   Is there a guy that you could be seeing that you wouldn’t mind him paying? 

B   Someone rich, you mean?  I’d feel like a kept woman. 

J   What you’re saying is, The only person that should do a thing like this is my husband.

B   That’s our money.  I have a financial stake in our marriage.  If it would make you feel better, I’ll let you send the down-payment half of it, and I’ll contribute the other half.  Okay?

J   I don’t know what that means.   What down payment? 

B  You can send the Portas the deposit. 

J   You had the long end of it last time, angel.  What do they think of me? 

B   I told Gene we went fifty-fifty on things, and that was the way I wanted it. 

J    Well, he knows at least that I would have loved to pay for the whole thing, but he wouldn’t take my check.  He spoke right up like he’d been pre-programmed.

B   He told me you wanted to take care of the bill, and he didn’t feel that he could let you do that.  I said I was glad he hadn’t.   I didn’t want you spending your money on me; you had daughters you were putting through college.

J   You can see my point, too, can’t you? I don’t feel I'm as manly as I should be. 

B  You’ve got to get rid of this manly jazz, Jack.  
J   Oh yeah, you’re right when you say this seems to be a hang-up with me.  But I can’t change it. 

B  You wouldn’t even wear Ed’s beach jacket when the airline lost your suitcase.  That’s an example of something trivial. 

J   No, it isn’t.  To me it isn’t.  I can’t wear a robe of any kind.  If I cross my legs and the thing flips over, I feel like a woman might feel, and I can’t stand it.

B   You don’t look like a woman might look.  Anybody peeking would know you were manly.

J   Well, I don’t mean it flips over that far. There’s something about it.  I thought you’d forgotten about that.

B   Many of the times when you worry about being manly, they’re so insignificant.  You’re drawing lines,  you think you have to live up to this image in your head.

J   Not at all!  Absolutely not!  You’re wrong, there!  You’re wrong!  It’s a feeling I get when I have a bathrobe on. It’s not that I’m trying to live up to anything.   If you get feelings, you can’t help them. If I were living alone 24-7, I wouldn’t wear a bathrobe. 

B   Here’s another example.  I was caressing your fanny one night, and you said, “Don’t do that, it makes me feel unmanly.”  [That’s right.]  You said, “It’s what a man does to a woman.”  Well, see, you’re drawing lines.  I like caressing your fanny.  Why should that make you feel less manly?

J   I don’t know why it should, but it does.  I don’t have explanations for these things. If you were me, you’d feel the same way. Your hair looks nice.  And I love you. 

B  It’s mutual.  You have to put up with a lot, though. 

J   No I don’t.  I don’t want you to feel as though I’m putting up with a lot.  I’m not.

B  I know you come from a conventional background, and I know what all your relatives think of this situation. 

J   I don’t give it a thought. You’re so important to me that what anybody thinks is immaterial. 

B  It’s too bad I can’t be more.  I can’t be what I am and be a good stepmother, too.  I just can’t do it, Jack.

J  Will you stop talking like this, angel?  No one expects this, and I wish you wouldn’t even bring it up.

B  I know you don’t, but everybody else does.

J  Well, that’s too bad.  Other people are going to have to live their own lives.  It’s easy to sit back and say, he should do this, and she should do that.  But that’s a lot of bullshit.  They have  absolutely no right to say what other people should do.

B  If I married you and moved in, I honestly don't believe that things would be any different or improved  with your daughters.  They might be worse.  There would be the constant friction of personalities—Carol feels this way, and Bobbie said this, and I’d be there in the middle.  It could spoil things between you and me, and I just don’t think I could perform some kind of miracle that would make things any better.  I really don’t.

J  Well, who said you have to?  I don’t expect this, Barb.  I like things the way they are; I love coming out here . . .

B  But society would expect it.  [I see, I see.]  It’s true.  Those poor girls lost their mother at an important age—[Yeah, that’s true.]—somebody should be there being a mother to them. . . .

8-15-73

J  These are gifts from your friends in Cohasset? 

B Yes, this is an ash tray or a little nut dish.  This is a bag Sally gave me because she could see the one she gave me three birthdays ago was worn out. 

J   This is a funny card. 

B  There’s more to it on the back, it goes on and on.  Jean said, “It was an expensive card, fifty-two cents.”  I said, ”That’s very fitting because that’s how old I am.  Fifty-two cents worth."

J   Edna Drum.  Who’s that?

B   Edna Drum’s very beautiful blond daughter married Sally Brewer’s blond older son, so I guess you would call them sisters-in law.

J   These people were all there for your birthday?

B  Yes, eight people, including me.  I had a feeling when I got there and saw the million cards—well, not a million—seven.  Jack, you’ve got to have some of this cream cheese and chives—[No, I don’t.]  Yes, you do, `cause I had all sorts of stuff like that.  Sally’s whole luncheon was made up of hors d’oeuvres, and I had a couple of things that were loaded with chives.  You’ve got to have some, too.

J    I don’t right now, though.  

B  We’ve got to equalize you.  [I hadn’t noticed.]  Do you want some wine?  Are you tired?

J   No, not very.   Jeez, Barb, I had a case of . . .  I don’t know why I felt odd for the last few days, and then when I got your card today, I said, oh Jack, you’re crazy. Jesus, I was  . . . what was I, I can’t even think of the way I was, but this card was perfect because of the way I was feeling. 

B  Insecure, the way you do sometimes? 

J   Yeah, I guess so. “Your Barbara sure loves you.”  [Still loves you.]  Oh, was that word still?  “Your Barbara still loves you.”  What did the card say?  I didn’t stop to read all of it.

B   I wrote, “That isn’t what I meant when I asked you if you had the time.”

J    Oh, and he’s looking at his watch.

B   She’s saying, “Do you have the time?” and she’s inviting him into her apartment.  So it seemed fitting,  considering my, “Do you have five minutes?” way back when.

J   I didn’t look at my watch to see if I had five minutes, did I?  Yeah, this card was more important than any card you’ve ever sent me.  I want you to know every bit of it was worth your effort.  Hey, it’s almost time for . . . 

B  Oh, is that when he’s going to be on?  [He?]  He.  [Barb!] Isn’t that who you’re talking about?  Our emperor?

J   What are you going to be doing while our president is speaking?

B  Throwing up. 

J   After I told all those people how nice you were?  Tolerant?  Forbearing?  [You told what people?]  Oh, no one in particular.  {sound of water, running and running}

B  The glass is clean, Jack!  For crying out loud, it’s clean!

J    It really is hard to get this stuff off.  It’s still on there, see that? 

B   Let me have it. [No, I won’t.]  I’m not that fussy. 

J   I’m not that fussy, either. 

B  If I get detergent poisoning, I'll think of you with my last breath. 

J   Your birthday is actually Friday, isn’t it? 

B   Yes.  I don’t know what’s going to happen. 

J    Barb, it isn’t as though it’s suddenly a year on Friday.  It’s been building up over the whole year.  Nothing will happen.  You’ll be all right.

B   I mean, I don’t know what I’m going to be doing.  I’ve had a very traumatic time. 
J   When? 
B  Last night and this morning, before I left for bridge.  I had every intention of not sounding off, but I got started . . .

J    Because of what he finally told you? 

B   Because of what he finally told me. 

J   That’s unfair, Barb. 

B  He should have told me long ago and gotten it aired and out of the way. 

J   Well, I know it, dear.  I know it.  But the fact that he did tell you . . .

B  He still hasn’t told me.  I said, How long?  He said, It’s been a long time. Now, is that five years or is it fifteen years?  How long?  He was going out to Detroit for years and years and years.  How long was I trying to have a good marriage, while meanwhile he was getting drunk as a skunk and being arrogant and hostile and nasty to me and not even remembering the next day how ugly he’d been.  Not remembering whether I’d been kind and patient, which I always tried to be because I knew he wasn’t himself.  Assuming when he woke up not remembering a thing that we’d probably had a fight, and therefore being cold to me for half the day because he didn’t know how things stood.  Weekend after weekend, month after month.  And was his girlfriend seeing any of that?  No.  I was getting all the s h i t. She was getting the romance and the wining and the dining and the I love yous.

J   So what good is this going to do?  I don’t understand.  This is the part I don’t understand.

B  I just have to get it out of my system. 
J   How do you get it out of your system?
B  By sounding off.  By blowing up.  I exploded high, wide, and handsome.

J   Doesn’t it seem to you that the more you explode, the more he must feel a certain pleasure that it bothers you?

B   It bothers the me-that-used-to- be.  I raved on and on, covering everything I’ve covered a million times before, and he didn’t say anything.  Finally he did say something. “What kind of airplane do you think you’d like?  Did you like the Twin Comanche we had, or would you rather have a smaller one?”  I thought, my God, he’s not going to fight, he’s just going to take it. 

J   Did you want him to fight? 

B  I don’t know.  A couple of times he said, “You’re right” when I told him what I thought of him.  I didn’t feel like going to bed when he did, so I stayed up and watched television and read.  When I got up this morning there was a note saying, “I’m sorry about last night, but you’re the only one I’ve ever loved or ever will love.”  And instead of being . .   .  uum—
J  Touched
B  —touched, I was furious.  I’m the only one he ever loved.  Baloney! 

     So I called him, and I said, “I got your note.  Why don’t you write a letter to Rita Thompson and tell her.  Does she know that your wife is the only one you ever loved? What did you tell her?  Did you tell her your wife was a nag and a bitch, she was no good in bed, she got fat?  What excuses did you give her for this affair?  Married men always have some sort of excuse like that.  He said, “I told her I loved you, and that I’d never divorce you.”  He finally admitted that yes, he loved her, too.

      I said, "I think for a while I’d rather not see you at all.” I also said I was sick and tired of prostituting myself.  He said, “What do you mean by that?” and I knew it was a bad thing to say.  I said, “I feel dependent on you. All along I’ve wanted to know about this big mystery, this shut door in your life.  You always wanted everything in my life to be wide open to you, but you shut the door on me.  All along I’ve wanted to know more about Rita, but I couldn’t insist on knowing because I can’t survive without that check.” 

     Then I called back and said I didn’t mean it the way it sounded, because I knew it hurt him terribly.  I said, “You know we both say dreadful things when we’re angry.  You said to me when I was sobbing that I wanted to die, ‘Who’d miss you?’  If I can live with that, you’ve got to live with things I say when I’m angry.” 

      He said, “I’ve just got one thing to say to you.  I don’t make threats very often, but I’m saying to you, Don’t tell Jack that you’re never going to sleep with me again.”  I said I hadn’t planned to do that, but I didn’t like being dictated to.  “What about you and Marilyn?" I said.  "Didn’t you promise her that you weren’t going to sleep with me as long as you were seeing her?”  And he said yes.  I said, “Then why can’t I make the same promise to Jack?”  He said, “Because you can’t.  This is a threat.  I don’t care how unfair it seems, just don’t do it.”

J   What’s the threat?  The threat is unnamed?

B   The threat is unnamed, but in the past he has said things like, “I don’t know what’s going to happen.  Somebody’s going to end up dead.” 

J   I think if you make a threat like that, you’re using the situation. 

B   When I was angry on the phone this morning, he said, “I don’t know if you’re trying to drive me to kill myself, but I’m not going to do it.”  But he does talk about suicide and . .  .  death.  “Somebody’s going to die.  I don’t know who, but somebody’s going to die.”  He says that every once in awhile.

J   Well, if you’ll excuse me, I think—

B   He told me he drives for hours with the tears pouring down his face.  He said, “You just don’t know what I’m going through.  I drive and I drive and I drive.”   I think he is on a very fine razor’s edge where he might flip.  I felt uneasy enough about it to call Blake.  I wanted to go on record saying, “I’m afraid of him.  Maybe by tomorrow, if we talk some more, I won’t be.” 

     I was afraid to come home from the psychiatric hospital that time, and that probably was paranoid, but I really thought he wanted me dead and out of the way.

J    People who murder think they have something to gain.

B   When they flip, they’re not being rational.  They’re not thinking in those terms.  You’re thinking of what— hired thugs or something like that?  There are crimes of passion, Jack.

J   I’m thinking of someone like this Dr. Shepard, who, if he were guilty, must have wanted something badly—[He had a girlfriend.]—Yeah, he wanted something badly, and there was only one way to get it, as he saw it.

B   Ed is violently jealous.  He says he thinks continually of you and me together.   I said, “I think you’d be happier if I had died.”  He said, “Oh, don’t say that.”  But I think he would.  He’d get over it, and there wouldn’t be this torment of knowing about us.

J   People don’t do things like that.  Not for that reason.

B   Okay.  I just wanted to tell you, in case anything happens to me. I want you to know it’s not an accident. 

J   If anything happens, it will be a tremendous argument or fight on the spur of the moment.   It won’t be planned.

B   He said that since he broke up with Marilyn; he’s been dating different women, going to bed with different women and nothing’s satisfactory.   He’s very, very unhappy.  He says he hates building this house in Cohasset, it means absolutely nothing to him.

J   I can understand that.

B   He’s finally is able to understand how I felt.  He says, "I’m so sorry for the unhappiness I know you went through.  I was never able to feel your unhappiness before."   I said, “You had your business, your squash, your trips, your girlfriends, you had all these things, but my whole life was you. “

   I had to take about six tranquilizers last night.  I finally got some sleep, and I had some weird dreams.  I was walking along in a woodsy place, and this strange-looking thin woman, fortyish with glasses, came along.  She kept making conversation with me, and we came to a bumpy place where we stumbled.  She put her arm around me to help me, and then she didn’t let go.  She kept squeezing me, tighter and tighter.  Suddenly I realized she was a lesbian because she was grabbing for me, and I was scared because she seemed so strong and powerful.

J   Didn’t you get angry, though?  Was there no sense of outrage?

B  I just wanted to get away from her.  There was this big hole in the ground, so I pushed her down in the hole and began to run.  She kept chasing me, and I kept trying to lose her.  I’ve been wondering if there was any kind of symbolism in that, her grabbing for me so intimately. And she’s saying, What are you worried about, this is nothing. 

J   That’s what bugs you.  For her to treat an attack as if it's nothing.   

B   I wonder what it meant.

J   What’s the matter, Barb.  You seem all alone.  I want to entice you—I don’t like to use that word, but it’s good in this case.  Huh?

B   Everything’s the matter.  Except you.  I’ve just got to work through this new knowledge, that’s all.

8-23-73

B   I’ve been standing here with a rolling pin. 

J   Really.  That late?

B  TWO HOURS!

J    I cut the grass, I watered the grass, and I fertilized it.  I watered it with the hose all around.    And here I am.

B   I know what it is.  Now that I’m getting a divorce, my Romeo is sure of me.  No more coming through the front door with, “When am I going to see you again?”   Now the man wanders in at nine o’clock.

J   I didn’t wander in.  I came through the door because I wanted to kiss you.

{time out for pacifying}

B   I got sold on a lawyer.  When I spoke to Elsa last night, I couldn’t wait to get on the phone this morning.  I called Irwin Golden at eight-thirty. 

J   You did? 

B   I figured if Blake had recommended him to his good friend Porter and his good friend Elsa, that’s who his good friend Barbara will get, even though he hadn’t suggested it. 

J   Who hadn’t? 

B   Blake hadn’t suggested Golden, when I talked to him. 

J   Who did he suggest?

B   He didn’t suggest anybody, and I’m darn sure he would have suggested Golden to Ed, so I wanted to get there first.  Ed called and tried to get me to change my mind about the divorce. 

J   You look awful when you—[I’m tired.  I’m just plain tired.]  No, no it isn’t that.  It’s a look of . . . there’s a word, but I don’t know what it is.

B   Distraught?  Well again, I can’t help feeling sorry for him, even though there are all kinds of new things I know. He admitted he still calls his girlfriend every three months.  That probably means every three weeks or every three days.  [No kidding.]  The other day I said, “How long did it last?” and he said, “A long time.”  It started when we’d been married fifteen, sixteen years. 

J   When did you hear all this, Barb?  Today?

B   I’ve been hearing it by degrees.  He said it ended when he told her he wasn’t going to get a divorce, and she married some other guy.   

      I’ve been trying not to hate him because it isn’t good for me to hate him.   I’m beginning to feel sorry for him again, but not enough to call off the divorce.  I feel good about that.  It’s over, that’s all.

      This wine isn’t as good as Gallo’s, is it?

J     Nowhere near. 
B   It was cheaper, that’s why. 
J    It isn’t as bad as all that.  It says “Superior” on here.

B   We’ll keep reading that and maybe we’ll be convinced. 

J    Listen, after a while we’ll think it’s terrific.

B   I tried to reconstruct that hand we had the other night.  There was a reason why I didn’t take out Elsa’s last heart.  You said, “Why didn’t you take out her heart so that my spade would be good?”  [I think I had a good diamond.]  No, you had the queen of spades, but number one—[I think I had a good diamond.]  No, it was the queen of spades, honey.  You’re talking about another hand.  [Okay, angel.]

     What you’ve got to remember is that you can’t see my hand.  For one thing, there may have been no way for me to get over to that spade.  If I remember correctly, I had only two spades.  But I had to be careful because Elsa had a slew of good diamonds, and I had to hang on to my last trump to protect myself until the very end.  We’d only bid two, I think, and if I took her trump out, once they got in with their diamonds, I’d be in trouble. 

J   Whose diamonds were these?

B   Elsa’s.  I remember at the end that I had the Ace of clubs, the nine of hearts and a losing card.  I knew the Ace and nine were both good, and I was going to make the contract.  But you seemed to be upset because your Queen of spades was sitting over there.  Even if I could have gotten over to it, I would have lost control of the hand.

J   Listen, it was just a question.  I was thinking one way, and I was wanting to know why you played the cards the way you did.

B   When you can’t see your partner’s hand, after it’s all over it’s sometimes very hard—[Well, the way it was all jumbled at the end there . . . ]  This is very typical of bridge.  Even when people know a lot more than you and I do, they will sit and argue and replay every card and say, “Six plays ago, if you had done thus and so,” and then the person will say, “Yes, but if I had done that, they could have done this.”  

J   I didn’t realize it made such an impression by my asking you a question.

B   I just wanted you to know that there are times when you’ll be thinking, Why in God’s name doesn’t she lead such and such?  Doesn’t she know I’ve got a good card?  And maybe I don’t have one of them in my hand to lead.

J   Well, I wouldn’t have had to know what was in your hand.  I would have just had to see how the last three tricks were played, and when you threw them together, I couldn’t understand it.

B   I didn’t have a spade, that’s for sure.  I had the Ace and King and a little diamond, which I knew I had to let them take.  Obviously it wasn’t a spade, or we’d have taken the last three. 

J   I’m not convinced that it was a spade, unless we’re talking about two separate hands.

B   I know it was the Queen of spades.  The Ace and King were gone, and your queen was good.  I can be patient with you now because you don’t know that much about the game.  They say a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.  We could have some pretty bad arguments, I think.

J   Well, if we do, angel, it will be because you choose to, because I’m certainly not arguing now, and you are. 

B   I’m defending what I did.

J    I don’t have to know a lot about the game to know what card I think I had.

B   You had the card in the dummy!  Suppose I can’t get over to it, honey!

J    No, I’m just saying that you’re telling me—

B   You said, “Why didn’t you take her trump out so that my queen would have been good?”  [Yes.]  If I’d taken her trump out, and they’d gotten in, they could have played three or four diamonds, and I’d have had to discard good tricks.   I wouldn’t have had a trump left to trump with, and I’d have been sitting there throwing my good Ace of clubs and other good tricks on all her diamonds.  I couldn’t let them get in.

J   Okay, Barbara.

B   Believe me, I’ve played the game long enough, so I know that much, Jack.  You’ve played your first game, and already you’re saying, “I know enough so that I know what was good.”  You don’t know that much, Jack!

J   I didn’t say that, Barbara!  All I’m saying is I know what card I’m talking about!  That’s all I’m saying.

B   You do agree now that it was the Queen of spades.  [No, I do not.]  Oh, then what card are you talking about?  [The Queen of diamonds.]  Then it must have been a different hand.  [That’s what I said.]  But the hand that I’m talking about where I had the Ace of clubs and the nine of hearts and another card, you said, “Why didn’t you take her trump out?”  The hand I’m talking about had the Queen of spades in the dummy.

J   Okay, so you had a perfectly good reason for not taking her trump out.  What are you making a big production about, Barb?  [I’m trying. . .]  You’re telling me how little I’ve played and how little I know, and all that jazz.
B   I’m trying to help you learn some things.  To let you know that there are times when you don’t take the trumps out because it would be stupid to let them get in and run their suit that you then have no defense against.

J   Okay.  If you have an answer to the question, I don’t—

B   This could happen to you some time.  You may take the trump out, and the opponents will run a suit, and you’ll just sit there and not be able to do a thing about it because you wasted that trump. [Mmhm]  There will be lots of times when there are good tricks left at the end, but why cash them at the expense of losing a lot of other tricks?   Many, many times people are left with good cards in their hands, and there’s not any way they could have made them good.

     I think we should stop with this bridge thing, right here and now.  [It’s all right with me.]  Why don’t you join the little group you told me about—[I have.]  Good.  And after you’ve played a year or so and learned a little more, we could try it and see how it goes.

J   Oh, that’s good.  I’m looking forward to that a year from now.

B   Maybe we won’t even know each other a year from now.  [Right.]  Maybe we won’t even know each other a week from now.   [Right.  Maybe not.]  Why don’t you go home?

{long silence}

J   I think I will. 

8-25-73

B   What on earth did you bring all this beer for?

J    I bought a case of it, and I already had three six-packs, so that’s why on earth.

B   You’re all set for anything.

J    No, not anything.  I left my bridge book out in the car.  [laughter]  I thought maybe I’d sneak away and leave it.  {Inaudible remarks}

Miette  Bark!  Rruff!  Bark! 

B   Stop it!  Go on, Jack.  {more inaudible remarks that prompt laughter.}  Oh, that’s awful! (laughter)  Go on, go on.  {Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!}  Miette, I can’t hear Jack. {Yap!  Yap! Yap! Yap!}  Will you shut up before I  . . . gag you!

J   I brought something else about that Gary Studds.  He’s good. 

B  Oh yes.  His father is from Cohasset.  Eastman Studds. 

J  He’s a good man.  I didn’t vote for him last time, but I will next time.   Here we go, pink champagne. . . .

8-25-73

B   How’s this for a round red tomahto?   Or do you say tomayto?

J   You can say tomahto if you want.   Beautiful!  That’s your first one, Barb? 

B   No, I picked another one yesterday.  I’ve been waiting for my face to break out.  I told Kathie I thought I should wait till next week after I get my period, because it could be my period, and I’d blame it on the tomato.  She said, “If your face is going to break out anyway, why don’t you have the tomato now and enjoy it and make the test some other time?” 

J   Right.  But I’m gonna say what I was gonna say, before the day’s over. 
B  Say it now. 
J   No, I’ll save it for the right moment.

B  How can two people who love each other so much that we can’t bear to be apart, how can we get so goddamn mad at each other?  Is that what you were going to say?

J   Something like that.   When I see people that are afflicted and unhappy and ill and lonesome, how come we make each other miserable over nothing?  Then I start listing what you have. I say to myself, she’s got a lot.

B   You could make a few allowances, right?  

J    I felt a little humble picking up my cigarettes in the bushes last night. Then I looked around and said, Oh, to hell with this.  She might be looking out the window; I’m not going to be out here groveling. 

B   I didn’t know they were going to go flying out of the package, but I was sort of pleased when they did.

J   When you throw things like that, they do go flying.  Did you think they were just going to sail neatly down into my pocket? 

B   Just be thankful it wasn’t a brick.  Suppose it had been your camera.   I just got that out of the bag of your stuff.   

J    Where is the bag?   Oh, outside on the porch? 

B    I had it all ready for you.  And then I kept finding more things that I had to return, like the little notebook with all your bright sayings. 

J  When did this happen?  Last night or sometime today? 

B  It was after you said you guessed you’d be over to pick up your stuff, and I hung up.  Then I began collecting everything. 

J    Holy cats!  What was I supposed to do with this stuff when you . . . erupted.

B   Remember you said once you wanted a hank of my hair if we ever broke up? 

J    You’d better leave it handy.  Don’t unpack it.

B   Especially if we play any more bridge.  Ed’s father and stepmother started playing once in awhile, after twenty years of being happily married. They'd get into heated arguments when they played with Ed and me.  My father-in-law was like Ed, quick-tempered and apt to be sure he was right about things.  Tina was more . .  . what’s the word . .   .  She catered to him.  At any rate we heard they were playing bridge with another couple and had the worst fight they’d ever had in their lives, so they swore off the game.

J  Don't you feel there was an inadequacy there?

B   No, because this is human, this is a well-known fact.  If you get to playing regularly, Jack, you’ll find out that you really have to be very controlled and civilized and tactful. Alden Pinkham was all those things. .

J    Where is he now? 

B   He died, but he was a good fellow.  You’ve seen his picture.  His wife misses him so, she says she’s never been the same since he died of a heart attack. He was only about sixty-five. 

      Alden and I used to play bridge against Ed and Florence.  The trouble was that they were competitive with each other.  Oh, how  they chortled if either one piled up a good score with Ed or me.  But Alden was very patient about my mistakes, explaining things over and over again.  I learned a lot from him as the years went by.      

    There’s something about bridge . . . it’s universal.  Unless you’re very mature, if winning is important to you, it galls you if you fail to make a contract because either you made a mistake, or your partner made a mistake, or your partner indicates that you made a mistake, or your partner refuses to acknowledge that he or she made a mistake.  You can get into all these conflicts if you’re not careful.  

J    But Barb, I’m not the type that argues. 
B   Remember I asked you in the beginning, “Would you be patient and overlook it if your partner goofed?”  And you said, “Oh yeah, sure, as long as it was just once.  If they did it a second time . . . ” Well, you can’t be this way in bridge because people can make the same mistake more than once.

J   Yeah, but I didn’t say what I would do. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna to do something drastic.  The second time I would mention it or talk about it.  I assume you could talk about those things.  I didn’t think it was unmentionable.

B   Yes, you can.  You might mention it pleasantly at the end of the hand.

J   When the game is over, do you add rubbers or do you add games or do you add points?

B   You add points, the way that page in the book shows.  [That’s crazy.]  The people on one side had won the rubber, but there were so many penalties on the other side that the opponents were the winners. 

J  Is that something that doesn’t happen often?

B  It means somebody’s making wild bids and getting badly penalized.

J   I like the way you say peenalized. 
B  Is it penalized? 
J   I don’t know if it is.  I say penalized and you say peenalized. 

B   I say penis, what do you say?  

J   I say stop that dirty talk.  But they do say the peenal system, don’t they. 
B  Yes, and I do say penalty. 
J   Yeah, yeah.  That’s the English language for you.

B   I’ve been copying my written notes about that morning last summer when you were in such rare form, talking about Miette being dogged, not fished out of the pool, and Miette scratching the sofa, and your asking her if she knew how much a thousand dollars was, it would buy twelve of her.  I kept running to the bedroom and scribbling these things down.  They were barely legible, so I copied them this morning. 

J   They didn’t seem funny anymore, I’ll bet.

B   As I started writing, I thought, Will they really seem this funny to me now, or is it just the way he says things?  But I sat there laughing all over again.    

J   Really?  After last night, did you go so far as to have someone in mind that you might want to see in the future?  Don’t answer that if you did.

B   I did think about rejoining Parents Without Partners, and I vaguely thought, well, I certainly couldn’t go on alone, could I?  And then I thought, of course you could, you’d get back to your photography, and even if you didn’t meet anybody else, you’d survive.

{silence}

B   Bobby said something interesting about pot the other day.   I was telling him how we tried to choke it down in butterscotch pudding..   He said, “Put it in soup.  It’s terrific.  It’s like a spice.”

J   How old is he?  Fourteen?

B   Yes.  I did make my little speech because I’m not his mother, but I don’t want to come across as an older woman that’s condoning too much.  I said, “I wish it were legal.  You could still get into a lot of trouble.”

J   Where does he get it?

B   Where any kid gets it.  They have their sources.  

J   He’s a wise guy.

B  Well, he was a good little kid when he was twelve.  If he wanted to do something like ride his motor scooter in my driveway, he’d always come and ask me.  But he’s beginning to feel his oats, and he’ll probably go through a stage where he’ll be unbearable for three or four years, and then he’ll be a good kid again. . . .