(5) WHAT SACRED COW WILL THEY TACKLE NEXT?

B   It’s hard to understand how people can resist Maude, but apparently there are a lot that she rubs the wrong way.

J   Well, they’ve made up their minds they’re going to resist her.  I’ve talked to people at work, like Ken.  Ken is my kind of guy, and yet since that one episode on abortion, he thinks, “Well, if the character thinks that way”—it has nothing to do with how much enjoyment they had up to that point and how much they can have past that point—they shut it off.  Like I said to Ken, “You may not have agreed with one episode, but so what?  You can still enjoy it the way you did up to that point.”

      And he said, “Let’s ask Jim O’Connell over there what he thinks.”  Well, I knew Jim O’Connell would have the same views he did on that episode.

B    It’s amazing that you are as broad-minded as you are with your background, because that one program would be enough to turn off many a Catholic besides Jim O’Connell.

J   I look on it as entertainment, and if it didn’t entertain you, so you weren’t entertained, that’s all.  They think there are ulterior motives in the producers to convert people.

B   There are, in a way.  Not exactly to convert people, but to make them think.  They're courageous about the subjects they bring up.  Each week I wonder what sacred cow they’re going to tackle next.  Was it last week that Maude’s husband had been out with a girl?

J    I think they spoiled that episode. Here’s a girl who used to work for him, and he has cocktails with her, and she has the cleavage, so he gives her five hundred for a root canal. That doesn’t ring true.  A girl who has to have this done doesn’t go to her former boss and say I need five hundred bucks.  

B   But there was another reason, Jack.  You understand that he did try to go to bed with her. 

J   No.  I didn’t know that he did.

B   When he turned toward Maude at the end, he says to her, “But nothing happened!”  She’d been pushing him for the truth and without realizing it, she gets him off the hook.  It was his salvation.

J   Well, even if nothing happened, she was upset about the fact that he was with the girl, wasn’t she?

B   Of course she was.  But nothing happened.  He wanted something to happen, and he was willing to come up with the five hundred to help this girl with the cleavage.  Then it turns out he wasn’t what he hoped he would be. 

J   Well, if he came up with the five hundred dollars, something was bound to happen, wasn’t it?

B   I think he went to bed with her, and he wanted to tell his wife, and he didn’t know how.  He says, “But nothing happened.”  Then she says in that deep voice of hers, “You mean I’ve spoiled you for all other women.” And oh, his beautiful relieved look as he turns to her, clearly thinking, thank you, God. It’s a lie, but—
J  Thank God she thought of it because I couldn’t. 
B  Right.   She, in her innocence. . .

J   She did have a kind of innocence.  She wasn’t grasping at straws at that point.  I was surprised she would come up with something like that.

B   She wanted to think that okay, this girl would have been willing, but when it came down to it, he looked at her, cleavage and all, and thought, No, Maude is it for me.  This is what she wanted to believe. 

J   What do you think?  Why do you think nothing happened?

B   I think he was worried.  He’s an older man, she’s a younger woman, and I think he was impotent.  That was what the whole thing meant when he kept saying, “Nothing happened!” 

J   She was a single girl.  She was working, evidently.  She gets a loan if she needs her teeth fixed.  She doesn’t go to her former boss and say I need five hundred.  The whole thing was too far-fetched to me.  He should tell her to get lost.

B   Maybe she was the kind of girl who thought, Okay, never mind a loan, if I’m nice to this older man, I can get the five hundred bucks with no interest.

J    You know, if I gave her five hundred bucks to get a lot of dental work done, I would be sure she only had one tooth a week fixed.  I’d spread it over a period of time for five hundred dollars.  `Cause who’s to say that she doesn’t tell him to get lost after she has all the work done?

B   But maybe—I can’t compare you and what you did for Rosalie with him, because he was a married man.  But older men can feel generous and protective and concerned about the problems of a younger woman.
J   Yes, you can get involved. 
B  You bought a whole damn house for Rosalie.  [Yeah.]   So why is that any more far-fetched than—

J   Yeah, but I just don’t think. . . I just don’t think. . . I wish you wouldn’t bring that up.

B    I thought it was very cute and very human.

J    That’s because I’m a very cute and human fellow, that’s why. 

B    You are.  I was talking about the program, but you are cute. 

J     Oh!  Were you?  Why did you say that?  Why couldn’t you have let me think you were talking about me?

B   I added that you were indeed cute.  I agreed with you.

J   You said I was a cute and human fellow.  Who the hell were you talking about?

B   I said that it was a very cute, human . . . [thing to do, or something like that, didn’t you?]   I don’t know.   We’ll have to play it back and see. 

J    It may be that you’re right.  Then I’ll say, Well, whatever. 

B   Tonight is a throw-in, isn’t it.  I don’t usually see you Monday night.  Maybe it would be a good idea to taper off for a while.

J   We did.  Last week we tapered off.  But okay.  Fine.   

B   The holiday weekend is coming up.

J    If you said to me, “Jack, I’d like to see you only twice a week,” I’d say okay.  What else could I say?  See, it’s whatever you want.  I’m available seven nights a week.

B   Ed said, “What’s Jack going to do if you meet somebody else?”  I said, “He’d just drop out of the picture.  That’s the way he is.  He was able to tolerate my continuing to see you, but he would not be able to tolerate my seeing anybody else.”  He said, “You want to bet?”  And I said, “Yes.  I know Jack, and I know he wouldn’t settle for less.”

J   No.  Listen, Barb, I’d give you every opportunity to explore whatever you came upon, and if it developed into something, it would have done the same if I had been hanging around.   

~~~                

B   It’s going to take awhile; that’s a big steak.

J   I couldn’t understand your saying you wanted to put the steak on early.  What did you mean, Barb?

B   I meant that I lived for many years with somebody who never wanted to put the steak on. 

     I have my notes about Lee Doyle's talk to show you. 

J   If someone is in authority, whatever they say, it’s gotta be true.

B  If you heard her, Jack, you would be enthralled.  She is the most beautiful, most fascinating woman I have ever encountered in my life.  You couldn’t help but look at her and admire her, no matter what word she came out with, no matter how flippant and sassy and . . . some people might say vulgar, but I like your word earthy better.  If she comes back next fall, you’re gonna see her.

J   I am not.

B   I’m gonna see to it that you will . . . you’ll drop me off or pick me up or we’ll meet her at the airport.  .

Where have you heard this before?  “When a mosquito bites you, you scratch.”

J   Oh yeah, I heard that.  I’ve gotta hear that again.  That’s on a tape.  I want to hear you say that again.  You said that to me one night when you were angry. 
B  When you have an itch, you scratch it? 
J  No, you didn’t build up to it; you just came right out with the point you were making. Your claim about 98% of men.

B   But I wasn’t angry.

J   No, no, you had said it before, prior to that.  You were expounding, I’ll put it that way.

B   Part of Dr. Doyle’s therapy is to teach couples that their bodies can be fun.  Many couples can be happy and compatible in their outside activities, they sail, play golf or tennis together, and they’re very compatible, but the minute they walk into that bedroom, she says— You’ve heard the expression “serious fucking,” well, that’s the way they look at it. 

J   Did she say that?

B   Yes.  She used that word fairly often, and finally one guy identified himself as a doctor and said, "I notice that you use that word quite freely in front of us.  What about in front of your patients?  Wouldn’t there be some that would be turned off by it?"

     She explained that the first time she realized she was going to have to be comfortable with that word was when she was being trained by Masters and Johnson.  She was working with a sixteen-year-old kid.  This was one of her first cases, and Bill Masters took her aside and said, "You can’t use the word intercourse with this kid.  He’s not going to be able to talk to you if you talk like that.  You’re going have to use the word fuck."

     She said, "I can’t do that.  I’ve been brought up to believe that’s a bad, vulgar word, and I just can’t do it."  He said, "Well, then you’re going to lose your first case."  So she went home and looked in the mirror and took a deep breath and said the word.  Then she said it again.  And then she said it a third time.  And then she said it three times fast.  [laughter]  Then she walked all through her house, saying the word again and again and again.  And now she uses the word cheerfully, whenever it seems to fit.   She talked about the young people today, observing that an obscenity is whatever hurts people and puts them down.

 J   It hurts people if they use it in front of—

B   Well, yes, she said her daughter suddenly came out with an expression, “Oh, this new guy is cocked.”  Lee said, "What does that mean?"  “It means all the girls are really attracted to him.”  She said, "I see, but will you do me a favor?  When some of my friends are over for lunch or tea, would you not use that expression around them?"

J   I don’t think it’s right.

B   It isn’t right to shock people like you.  But you use it with other guys, Jack.  You don’t say, "I dislike that word, don’t use it in front of me."  Do you?  

J   No.

B   All right, then you’re using the double standard.  [Ohhhh—]  You are, Jack.  Why is it okay for your men friends to use it, and you think nothing of it, and the woman you’re sleeping with, it’s bad for her to use it?

J   Because it’s not necessary.

B   It isn’t necessary for the guys to use it.

J   They seem to think it is. 

B   Well, I seem to think it is. It’s a perfectly good word.  It means make love, unless you use it in a nasty way.

J   If it means make love, why don’t you say make love?

B   Well, why don’t the guys say make love?

J   Because they’re not using it in that sense. 
B  Okay, they’re using it casually.  If they have the right to use it casually, why doesn’t a woman?
J  Whenever they use the word, it’s the furthest thing from anyone’s mind that they’re using it as a substitute for make love.

B   Why don’t you tell them to stop using it, then? 

J   {long pause} Why don’t I tell them to stop using it?  Because.

B   It doesn’t bother you when they say it.  Does it?

J   Because it doesn’t mean the same thing.

B   Oh, when I say it, it does? 
J  No, no, they don’t use it as though two people are doing it. 
B  Okay, so I can use it in other ways.  I can say, “I wish this fucking steak would hurry up and get done,” and that wouldn’t bother you."  [mixed laughter]  If you use it in the sense to make love, that bothers you?

J   Oh, now don’t get on your high horse [laughter] like I’m gonna be taken out any minute. You have a tone of voice that I could pour my drink on your head, sometimes.  “That bothers you?”  Of course it bothers me.  I never was with anybody before that used it.

B   A woman, you mean.

J   You know, I think about it and I say, Gee whiz, if she says it, it can’t be all that bad.  Really. 

B   It’s funny.  The things that I see as bad, you say, "Why do you always see the bad in things?"  And the things that you see as bad, I say, “Jack, why do you think this is so bad?”  We’re complete opposites.

J   No, we’re not.  There are a lot of things that you think are bad, and I do, too.  

B   I think, what’s wrong with words that don’t hurt?   I feel sorry for people that can be that easily shocked by a word.  They’re shocked by the wrong things, I think.

J   You may have a point, honey.

B   I certainly think you’re right that there’s no point in going around shocking people for the sake of shocking them. 

J  Yeah, it’s the shock value.  I think young people like to be overheard a lot of times.  They do.  

B   I can walk by a bunch of guys and hear that word and hah!  Who cares?  It’s losing its shock value. 
J  It is with you. 
B  With the young people, it is.  Suppose someone makes a dirty phone call to Community Sex Information.  Big deal.  I’m going to eat a handful of peanuts and say, “You need to see a counselor to help you with your problems.  You’re obviously bored.”
J   Well, that’s fine, that’s beautiful.  But it’s not fair for someone who is older to be exposed to language like that.  
B   But these days they are, Jack, if they have teenagers.  [Oh, applesauce!] Or most of them are.

J    Hey!  We missed “Mash" again.  Geez, we’re always missing that.  Remember I was talking to you the other day about “Bridget Loves Bertie”?  I think Mash” is gonna be in that slot, Saturday night.

B   Well, that will be great, but we’ll never be able to go out.   It’s bad enough to miss seeing “All in the Family” on Saturday night, but if we’re gonna miss “Mash,” too . . .[Clanking noise of mashing potatoes.] I think this steak is gonna be tough. 

J  If it’s tough, I don’t eat it. 
B  You don’t, huh?  Would you like a hamburger? 
J  Let’s see if it’s tough first. 
~~~

B   What synonyms did you find for “artless”?

J   “Lacking knowledge—”[burst of laughter] That’s nothing, Barb.  Listen to this.  “Lacking knowledge or skill, uncultured, rude, sincerely simple”—

B   Come on, there must have been some with the sense I intended.

J   Well, there were a couple.  I just read four of them.

B  [reading definitions]  “The use of artificiality.”  [Yeah, beautiful.]  “Free from guile.”  That’s what I meant, Jack. 

J  Yeah, that’s good.  You have to know the person that’s using the word.   What are you going to do with this poem?

B   I’m going to send it to Rust Craft to see if they would like it as a valentine. 
J   Do you want to fix it up first?   There’s one thing here . . .

B   Something that didn’t scan?

J   How about this:  Instead of where you say, “There’s no emptiness left in my heart,” say “There’s no emptiness here in my heart.” 

B   That sounds much better, Jack.  Thank you. “Left” isn’t a pretty word. 

J    Did you make it up just for that?  For a valentine?

B   I got to thinking about you.  [Wow!] I had another version all about Don Quixote.

J   I was reading where you kind of sneaked Jack in. 

B   Here’s the way it began originally:  “Don Quixote, though seemingly honest and artless, has stolen an object belonging to me.” 

J   Hey, that’s great, angel. 

B  You approve?  “Why does the lady not cry or protest at the loss of her heart from its satiny case? What happened, you see, was all for the best” or I could say “This Quixotic abduction was all for the best, for his heart was captured and put in its place.  My dear Don Quixote, please say that you care for the lady who loves you, your own Dulcinea.” 

J   That’s good.  Send both versions and let them choose.

6-5-73

J  (Looking at envelope)   Do you have to be Mrs. Edward W. Malley, Jr., huh?  Can't you just be Barbara?  I can see how women feel.  What do you think of "Instructor," Barb?

B   It’s a very good children’s magazine.  The editor wrote to my mother, not knowing she had died.

J   What is this, “Come to my aid in time of need?”  What does she mean by that?

B   The magazine needed stories and poems with a holiday theme.  Mother had written things they accepted in the past.   I wrote back and explained that Mother.was gone, and I hadn't had a chance to organize her papers yet, but I'd see what I could find.  I sent them a whole bunch of stuff.  And they kept two things and returned the others.

J  "Solomon's Travels"?  I remember that.  And "Washington's Birthday." 

B  "Birthington's Washday,” you mean.  They kept that one.

J   I should think they would.  I should think they'd be honored.  And "Bedside Manor."  I don't understand why they'd return a thing like that. Their time of need must not be as—[They're need was....] We're going to argue about this, too, I'm sure.

B   They asked for things fitting for holidays, and "Bedside Manor" has nothing to do with any particular holiday.  
J    Do you think we get through to each other at all, Barb?  I don't think we do.  I wish we did.

B   In a lot of ways we do.   .

J   Well, why do you say it's too bad that I don't agree with you more and read the things you do and think the way you do?  That's demeaning.

B   I don't expect you to think the way I do; I wish we could argue without—

J   The fact that I think these things without knowing anything at all, it amazes me, really.   I guess it doesn't amaze you.  But I don't think you should be that patroniz—

B   I think it's difficult to form opinions on the basis of so little.  It would be like my trying to be an expert on baseball or basketball on the basis of the headlines I occasionally picked up and then suddenly I get strong opinions about sports.

J   You revert to that, Barb, at times when you're in time of need, I think.  [Revert to what?]  What I don't read and what you do read.  You resort to it, I guess is the word.  You resort to it.  You get to a point where you say, "I think I'll use this now.  It's about time for this.

B   Yes, this is the way I plot things out, Jack.  At a certain point I say I think I'll use this. 

J   You just all of a sudden come out with it at a point where it's entirely uncalled for.  Really, you do.  Don’t grin at me like that.  Don't make me laugh.  I'm very serious.   Darn it. 

   I love you.  It doesn't matter to me, angel, it doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything, but you do get nasty.  You tell me to shut up all the time.  I never tell you to shut up.

B   Because you keep interrupting me when I'm trying to tell you a little story.  [No, no, no, no, no]  I didn't say shut up until—

J   Listen, no one interrupts more than you do, no one screams louder in a conversation than you do, but I never tell you to shut up.

B  Yes, you have. 
J   I have never told you to shut up unless I was kidding.  If I wasn't, I should have been.  I hope you won't not like me for it, 'cause I'll never not like you for it.  But if it came down to it, I wouldn't believe the way you believe for you to like me.  I couldn't do that.  I'd have to just forget my Barbara if she insisted that you'll either think this way, or we'll say goodbye.  I'd say goodbye.

B   And I'd have to forget my Jack.  I can understand that.  One can't go against one's gut feelings. 

J   No, one can't.  It would be a waste, though.  It would be a shame.

B   Fortunately, in the department where it's most important, you have changed.

J  (guffawing)  You thing, you!  Fortunately for me, is that what you mean?  [No, fortunately for us.]  Oh, bullshit.  I haven't changed at all. That bugs me.  “Fortunately, you've changed.”  Politically I’m—

B   Not politically. I mean in the sex department. 
J   Oh, excuse me. 
B  You no longer stay quiet as a mouse, so God won’t know what you and I are doing.   

J   I'm sorry.  I take back my bullshit. 

B   You can have it. 

J   Wow.  Hey, we drank a good part of a half gallon of wine.

B   It's fun, Jack.  I love being with you.  Even when we're fighting.

J   I hope it stays that way.

B   We have one thing going that makes me feel optimistic about you and me.   I don't think you're gonna be a typical ego- happy guy who's gotta build himself up by being seen with a younger woman.

J   You're not that young.

B   That's what I mean. 
J   Ho‑ho, I thought you meant you.
B  No, this is what makes me feel secure about the future because I don't think this is important to you. Some guys getting into their fiftiess would think, well anybody can escort a woman in her fifties.  It builds up their ego to have a young chick on their arm.  I don't think you're like that. You appreciate a relationship for what it is and the fact that I'm as old as I am doesn't shake you.

J   Because you're not as old as you are.  

B   But I'm gonna get to be as old as I am, Jack.  I can't stave it off forever.

J   Yeah, but I'll be matching you every step of the way.
B  No you won't, men don't.
J   Oh, come on, Barb, now stop that, of course they do.      

B   I'm feeling a slight glow.

J   Oh, I believe it.  And I'm leaving.

{ Feb. 16, 1990.  Jack just called from California, where he was sitting on the floor in his empty house, making a last phone call before he starts for Florida.  I told him what I've been up to the last couple of days.  Told him about transcribing a discussion about seatbelts on May 22, 1973.   

   "Oh, I was young, then," said Jack.  "Anyone who doesn't wear a seatbelt is stupid.  I've matured."

   He asked me to bring the transcription with me.  I warned him that it's 20 pages long.  "That's all right, we'll read it on the beach." 

   It's about six and a half years since we've seen each other.  I have a bad case of warm heart, cold feet.  And wrinkled everything.}
6‑13‑73

B   This is a beautiful pen.  Thank you.

J   It's terrific, and for free, just so they could send me a credit card.

B   I'll fill out my sex reports with it and think of you when I do. 

J   Okay, good.  I like the connection.   I'm not going to be able to get that thing engraved for two weeks. 
B  What thing? 
J   The thing I'm getting engraved.  And there's something else I'm going to get that you need, judging from our weekend.

B   Deodorant?

J   Hah‑hah!  No.  You don't need deodorant, Barb.  This is nothing personal. 

B   Something I need. . .a beach towel? 

J   You're a witch.

B   Is that what it is?  I've had that on my list, and then I thought I'd wait for the White Sales.

J   I don’t know what I'm gonna.wear in Fort Lauderdale.  Geez, I really don't.

B   Jack, you're so silly.  You don't need anything.  Bring your two shirts and your pants and your toothbrush.  And if you need shorts, you could look for them down there.  They'll probably be having summer sales in Florida.

J   I don't get a chance to look anywhere, really.

B  We'll go to Britt's.  It's a great shopping center.  They have a cafeteria where you can drop in and have a cocktail, and fill up your tray with goodies very inexpensively.    You won’t need any formal clothes.  Don't even bother with a jacket.

     {The airline lost Jack's suitcase., He wouldn't wear any of Ed's clothes that filled the closet—although Ed said it was okay—so he wore the same thing every day.}

6-24-73

B   I had an unexpected visitor.  The doorbell rang about six.  Ed had said he was going to stop over some time, but I didn’t know he meant today.  When I came to the door, he said, “You’re looking at a man with a burst bubble.”

      He has called off his building projectbecause it was going to cost too much.  The cheapest that it could be done would be sixty-three thousand dollars plus the cost of the land.  Which brings it up to ninety something.   He said he’d be crazy to do it.

J   He wants a pad that’s going to cost that much money?  

B   He wants a house.   You know the Lighthouse Restaurant that John Carzis runs down there in Cohasset?  [Yeah.]   Did you know they’ve torn down The Shack?  He’s going to build condominiums right on the harbor. 

J   You mean he’s got land there that he owns?  It’s worth a mint.

B   I said to Ed, Why don’t you buy one of those condominiums?  And he said, “Would you?  I don’t want that, I want a house.”  I said, You love the condominium in Florida.  He said, Well, that’s Florida.  I want a house. 

     He’s very unhappy in general.  Marilyn has a date with somebody else tonight.  He gave me a sales talk, trying to persuade me that things hadn’t been all that bad, I should remember the good times.  If I came back to him, I could do anything I wanted.  We’d travel, the way I’d always wanted to, even though he didn’t like to.  We could compromise and every other year I’d go to Florida with him. 

       I had to tell him I’m just not interested in marriage. I said, Why don’t you move in with Marilyn?  He said, She’s just like you.  She’s not about to have anybody move in with her that she’s not married to.  I said, She’s not just like me.  I’d be much more apt to have somebody move in with me than to marry.

J    You’re a funny lady.

B   I don’t know how it’s possible to feel so ambivalent about someone.  In some ways, my memories are bitter, but today he made me feel sorry for him.  He talked about Cohasset and the life Marilyn leads.  Parties all the time, drinking up at the golf club.  This was the life he loved and I loathed.  He never knew what was happening from eleven o’clock on. But he says he’s changing.  He doesn’t like the people any more; either they’re not the same people or they don’t seem so funny.

     I said, “I pictured you up at the golf club night after night, laughing and having a lot of fun,” and he said, The first four or five times maybe it was, but now it’s getting to be a bore.

      I told him something I wish I hadn’t because I’m worried about it.  He asked me a question, and I told him the truth, but I shouldn’t have.  It was about you. 

J  You can tell me. 

B  The subject of sex came up, and he said, “For instance, about how often is it with you and Jack, like when you were in Florida.  I said, “Every night.” 

J   You did? 

B   Yes.  And I shouldn’t have said that.  I didn’t stop to think.  I said, Jack is a very affectionate person.  And I would like the closeness and the affection even if we just went to bed and cuddled.

J   I’ll try to remember that, angel, I really will.  It’s not easy.  Like the other morning, really, I thought wouldn’t it be nice to just lie down beside you for a couple of minutes.

B  The next thing you knew, you were seduced. 
J   Cuddling is great, but being seduced is greater.
B  Cuddling would have been enough with Ed, only he wasn’t giving me even that much attention.  No affection at all.  In fact, when we passed each other in the hall, he would shrink away from me as if he couldn’t stand to be even that close.  That bewildered me.

    Jack, you must be hungry.  How about a little warmed-up broiled haddock and squash?  It would only take a second.

J   No, thank you.   I like to be a little hungry.  Then I have peanuts, and they’re terrific. 

B   So then I said to Ed,  Why don’t you check into modular homes?  He says, I don’t want a modular home.  I said, Have you talked to anybody, have you looked at them, do you know anything about them?  He said, No, I don’t want one.  I said, I should think you’d at least look into it, then say you don’t want it.    He said, I don’t have time, I can’t be bothered.  It’s too late, this thing has got to be settled by next week.  All I have is a week to turn around.

      I said, Well, let me do it    No, no, no, he says, there isn’t time.  But there’s an office right here in Dedham, so I called them and left a message.  That’s one way you can beat inflation, get a house that arrives in a truck, all ready to erect.

J   It would be interesting to see what they’re like. 

B     I had another idea for Ed.  I said why don’t you get one of those new Cohasset condominiums  and live in it for a year or so?  He won’t hear of any compromise, he wants a house. 

      I called Elsa while he was here.  She said, why doesn’t he buy Marilyn’s house?  I said, You ask him.  He took over the phone, and I heard him say, maybe it was for sale at one time, but it isn’t now.   Ed told me it’s a converted barn and very nice.  Don’t look so skeptical, Jack.  Converted barns can be delightful houses.

J   Hahaha.  Yes, converted barns can be pretty bad, too.

B   I can’t imagine Marilyn living anywhere that wasn’t beautiful.  Elsa wouldn’t have suggested that Ed buy it if it’s what you think it is.

J   I’m not saying it’s bad.  It just didn’t sound like much when you said it. . . So you’re carrying around all these troubles in your little head.  Still being so concerned about everyone.

B    I don’t like to have Ed feeling miserable.  There doesn’t seem to be any answer as far as he and I are concerned.  No matter how much he says he’s changed, it’s impossible to erase the past.

~~~

J    I always felt that anyone I could feel about the way I feel about you was someone I’d never get to know.

B   Just don’t put me on a pedestal.  I don’t belong there.

J   If you don’t mind.  Maybe a little pedestal.

B   Would you want me to act toward you as if you were a priest or a respected uncle, and I had to be careful about how I talked in front of you?  

J   No, no, I’m glad you haven’t treated me that way.  And you haven’t.  Jesus, when you get angry with me, I’m almost afraid of you sometimes.

B   Oh, really?

J   Yeah.  Especially down there in Lauderdale when I made advancements, and Jeez, I’m saying to myself, Jack, you did the wrong thing.  At present she wants no part of you.

B  I forget what I was mad about. 

J   Me too. 

B   I remember I thought you were going to be the one to stay mad.

J   No.  I don’t say anything sometimes because I’m angry, and I feel if I say something, it will only make it worse.  I’m not gonna say I’m sorry, I’ll just go through a period of this and hope it’s short and it generally is.  No one was more miserable for two hours than I was out on that balcony.

B   I thought you were so angry you might stay that way for the rest of the vacation.

J   Oh no, no, I wouldn’t do that.  I don’t care what it is, if I felt that I was exactly right and you were totally delusional, I wouldn’t do that.  Because what’s the point in being right or wrong if you’re both miserable?  Let’s forget it.

B   Well, you don’t have to worry about me.  I’m never going to stay mad at you for two or three or four days.  I couldn’t stand living in an atmosphere of gloom, not talking to each other.  This would be something that would be good for two young people living together to find out.  That she could go into a black sulk where she wouldn’t speak to him for a week or two and wouldn’t have anything to do with him.  If a guy found that out, wouldn’t it be better to find out before he married her?  Or if she found out a similar thing about him—

J   I’d have to say yes to that.

B   The only way you can really know what a person is like is to live together before you marry.

J    I had a good marriage.  There was never a bit of arguing. Maybe there should have been, but there wasn’t.

B   You and Marie saw things alike.  This is what I’ve been saying to you, that it’s comfortable to be with people that feel the same way about things that you do, and you’ve been saying, oh nonsense. 

J   I don’t think that that’s so.  In this case it was so.  Marie never had dominating opinions.  At least she never expressed them, and I never did either.  Well—maybe I did.  More so than she did.  But I don’t know that they conflicted.  I was never aware that they did.

B   I didn’t have many opinions until I got to be fortyish and began to listen to my kids and learn things from them and to change ideas that were based on what I’d been brought up on, which was to be a Republican.

J   And you thought that was tremendous.  You grabbed for that and you said, boy this is great.

B   Grabbed for that?  No, I fought it at first. You respect what your parents believe, so I was a conservative.  I thought our country was a good country and our presidents were always good presidents and whatever our country did must be right and honorable and noble.  It didn’t occur to me to question it, and I was stunned when Kathie’s husband said he’d go to jail before he’d accept being called up in the Marine reserves.

J   Why?

B   Well, it was just before the war.

J   Why?  That doesn’t answer the question.  Why was he in the Marine reserves?

B   He had to do something.  It was back in the days when a guy had to do something.

J    He thought this was a good thing to do at the time.

B   This was before we were in Vietnam, and I believe everybody of a certain age either had to accept the draft or do some kind of military service, so he joined the Marine Reserves, and then we got deeper and deeper into Vietnam.   He thought it was wrong, and I think he might have ended up going to jail if Kathie hadn’t had the accident.  There were some big-shot officers in the Marines who thought this was no reason, just because he had a wife who was paralyzed, why this guy shouldn’t just stick with the program. 

      Suppose it were your son and he was married to a girl who was in a terrible accident and needed him desperately, would you think the military had a stronger claim on him than his wife?

J   No, and evidently the military didn’t think so either.

B   Well, in the end they didn’t.

J   In the end is what counts.
B  There were a couple of hotshots who gave him a hard time. 
J  Yeah, but truth prevails, the system prevails.

B   You know, Jack, if I take this Silva Mind Control course, I’ll be much calmer.  

J    I don’t want you any different, I love you as you are. 
B   I’d like you to find out if things would be better. 
J   They wouldn’t, they absolutely wouldn’t. 

B   How do you know you wouldn’t like a calmer, more composed, more mature behaving, less overreacting type of sweetheart?
J   Would you want me to take a course that might make me different?

B  Yes. 

J   Hah!  You could have thought about it a little longer than that.  You would not want me different!  I don’t believe you.  Jeez, the way you said yes so fast.  That’ll learn me, won’t it?

B   One reason it’s a good course, I guess you have to want to do it, but it’s supposed to help you do things like quit smoking, or if you get migraine headaches—
J  It’ll help you give up migraine headaches. . . .